Saturday, January 9, 2016

Silent But Deadly

I generally choose to coexist peacefully with my diabetes. There are many reasons for this, including counting my blessings that this is the worst I'm hit with. Including lack of other options--to rage against diabetes would be pointless and even more exhausting. Including even gratitude, for its grounding presence and the healthy habits it encourages in me.

But lately, rage has been seeping in. It started a week or so ago, when I was walking to work and reminiscing that I'd actually had a really nice night's sleep. And then, all of a sudden, I remembered that I had been woken up no less than three times the night before. From a buzzing alarm on my OmniPod reminding me to check my BG 2 hours after putting on a new pod (never mind the fact that I wear a CGM and therefore don't need that reminder--I'm unable to turn it off). From a low BG that danced around 85 and sent buzzes off twice on my Dexcom before it finally calmed down. And that was a good night. I suddenly got so angry. Angry that this was acceptable to me, that I didn't even notice or really remember what it feels like to sleep the entire, whole night through. 

Since then, I'll say it. The buzzes have been pissing me off. They ruin my sleep, disturb my yoga classes. The incessant beeping of my Pod every 3 days--I know it's going to expire! I know it did expire! I'll keep it on as long as I please, since I paid so much freaking money for it!! I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I feel like my devices are running the show, and while I don't want to give them up since they allow for such well-calibrated maintenance of my health, they are causing other problems for my health. Mostly my mental health I guess. 

I am angry. I'm angry that other people's pancreases are free, and my insulin costs me 2 pairs of Lululemon leggings every month and a weekend vacation getaway every 3 months for my Pods and sensors. 

I'm angry that there are lumps on me when I wear my clothes and that my students can feel my pump when they hug me and that there are rashes and scars all over my body.

I'm angry that I have to poke holes in myself constantly and that at least one of my devices seems to constantly need something from me. 

I'm angry at the moments that are, if not stolen from me, at least force me to fight for them, through the soup and fog of a high blood sugar or the exhaustion and fuzziness of a low blood sugar. 

I'm angry at having to explain myself, at feeling like people worry about me, at constantly worrying about myself.

I'm angry at how much of my brain power I waste on thinking about food. 

I don't feel like issuing a disclaimer here. I know there are people worse off than me. I know that everyone has their stuff. I know that my life was not perfect, nor even necessarily better, before diabetes. I know that I'm lucky that I even got to experience so much of my life before diabetes. I know all that and I'm still angry. It's not that it feels unfair. It's perfectly fair. It just also sucks. And I'm angry about it. 

I'm hoping that writing will help me relax, because stewing in it hasn't been working so far. It's been eating at me, creeping in whenever I hear a buzz or see a flashing screen or buy more crap to keep myself alive. Maybe saying some of these things out loud will allow me to shake them off and move on. Because while I do see a future for myself with better management, and hopefully less effort, if I'm being honest, I don't see a future without devices. I certainly don't see one without diabetes. 

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