Saturday, March 26, 2016

I can't do this.

I took my CGM sensor off a few weeks ago. It died, near bedtime. I wanted to sleep (instead of wake up in 2 hours to calibrate), so I left it off. I woke up in the morning and I didn't feel like having to calibrate at work, so I left it off. I went out and I left it off. I came home and left it off. I kept making excuses, until I finally realized what I was really thinking....I can't do this. 

My Dexcom hurts. It really, really hurts to put in, even when I pinch the skin and think about fairies and rainbows and all of my favorite things. And it buzzes. It buzzes so much. And when it's not buzzing, it's there, in my face, reminding me of all my ups and downs. 

There is so much about diabetes that I have no choice in. I like feeling healthy. I want to feel that way for a long time. So when I think, I can't do this about bolusing, or changing my pump site, or just saying no to a cookie, I do it anyway. And I can do it. But sometimes it feels good to say, okay. Okay!! Okay, you can't do this right now. You have a lot on your plate and having your blood sugars In. Your. Face. all the time is not conducive to your mental health. 

So I'm taking a break. I'm being more responsible. I'm checking 5-7x a day, the old-fashioned way. I'm avoiding snacks and being careful about alcohol and fruit (two things that always manage to mess with my day). I can't do this right now. And, in a few weeks, I'll say to myself, you can do this. Or, you have to do this. It's time to do this. And I'll get out the Tegaderm and the Bandaids and the tape and the huge needle and charge up the receiver and get back on the horse. But for right now, I'm trotting along just fine.  

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Real People

"Real People Sick"=

Having the chills but my blood sugar is still above 85.

A sore throat but no CGM mountains or terrifying plateaus.

Exhaustion even though I miraculously wasn't awoken by any alarms the night before.

Muscle aches not caused by a bruised pump site.

Dry, parched mouth that has nothing to do with anything I've eaten lately.

Is it any wonder that I sometimes miss the signs?

Saturday, March 12, 2016

In Memorium

The other morning, I was opening the drawer under my bed and I noticed there was a thin bloodstain running down the front of it. Below that, a dried droplet on my hardwood floor. It's from a few nights ago, when I was changing my pod from a stomach site. I was in a rush and I was halfway to the trash can before I realized I'd hit a small gusher.

I haven't cleaned the mess up yet. It's small (obviously, since I didn't notice it for a while). I'm not quite sure why. In a way it's kind of like a monument. There are so few visible signs of the turmoil of diabetes, but I am fighting a war. There's bound to be some carnage. 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

A Reminder

When the insulin you depend on might not be available for much longer it reminds me just how tenuous my grasp on this disease is after all. Just how elusive the illusion of control is. Just exactly how many things are out of my power, including unfortunately the care I want to receive.