Saturday, March 26, 2016

I can't do this.

I took my CGM sensor off a few weeks ago. It died, near bedtime. I wanted to sleep (instead of wake up in 2 hours to calibrate), so I left it off. I woke up in the morning and I didn't feel like having to calibrate at work, so I left it off. I went out and I left it off. I came home and left it off. I kept making excuses, until I finally realized what I was really thinking....I can't do this. 

My Dexcom hurts. It really, really hurts to put in, even when I pinch the skin and think about fairies and rainbows and all of my favorite things. And it buzzes. It buzzes so much. And when it's not buzzing, it's there, in my face, reminding me of all my ups and downs. 

There is so much about diabetes that I have no choice in. I like feeling healthy. I want to feel that way for a long time. So when I think, I can't do this about bolusing, or changing my pump site, or just saying no to a cookie, I do it anyway. And I can do it. But sometimes it feels good to say, okay. Okay!! Okay, you can't do this right now. You have a lot on your plate and having your blood sugars In. Your. Face. all the time is not conducive to your mental health. 

So I'm taking a break. I'm being more responsible. I'm checking 5-7x a day, the old-fashioned way. I'm avoiding snacks and being careful about alcohol and fruit (two things that always manage to mess with my day). I can't do this right now. And, in a few weeks, I'll say to myself, you can do this. Or, you have to do this. It's time to do this. And I'll get out the Tegaderm and the Bandaids and the tape and the huge needle and charge up the receiver and get back on the horse. But for right now, I'm trotting along just fine.  

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